Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This Again...

Dear Christopher,

 

Well. Here's a thing that I thought wouldn't happen again.

Heartbreak.

So much.

Even more than when Alex broke up with me.

And I'm using the exact same outlet to vent. Only this time, I'm not saying these things to you by choice. Not because you don't want anything to do with me ever again, like he did.

I am doing a 60-day Hetox thing. I cannot see or talk to you for 60 days. I'm on day 4. I hate it.

I fucking HATE IT.

 

This is painful.

I don't know how remaining frinds is even going to work.

You said you'd wait a few months before dating again.

A FEW MOTHERFUCKING MONTHS.

 

I can't... I don't think I'll be able to deal with that. I don't know if I can do this.

And yet, I can't let you just walk out of my life.

Not that you'd go willingly, I know, but...

I dunno, Chris.

I just don't know.

 

One thing I do know.

Neither of us really know enough about ourselves, or what we want, to be in a serious relationship anyway.

And yet...

I'd do anything to have you back.

You became my identity.

My purpose.

I know that's wrong. But that's just how it was.

Still is, even.

 

Oh, what am I going to do without you? D:

Derp.

 

I miss you, papabear.

 

Love, Molly

 

I Miss You And That's That

Hey.

Sometimes I like to torture myself by looking at your FB or your Tumblr.

I just did that.

I saw the picture of your had with that stamp from that concert and I started crying.

Never in my life have I ever reacted so quickly with tears to something.

I miss those hands.

Those wrists.

Those arms.

Those shoulders.

That chest.

That neck.

Everything.

 

If you were one of the best things that has ever happened to me, doesn't that make this one of the worst things that's ever happened to me?

I think it must.

Because that's how it feels right now.

You meant the world to me.

Fuck, you still mean the world to me.

It kills me to know that I don't to you anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever did.

I doubt it.

There are a lot of things about our relationship I'm starting to doubt.

 

I feel like you're not even sad.

You don't even miss me.

Like you're fine.

I keep dreaming about you.

I hate it.

I miss you. So bad.

 

I love you.

Please come back.

 

~Molly

:(

I miss you so bad...

Every minute, of every day. 

Even if I'm not thinking about it consciously. I know I do.

 

I just feel like life won't be as good or something. I don't know.

 

I'm so afraid you'll start dating someone else before I'm ready to handle it.

Or that I'll never be able to handle it.

And that you'll sleep with whoever it is.

That thought scares the fuck out of me.

 

I couldn't live with that, I think.

I don't know.

 

I really hope you wait a while and learn more about yourself and who you are before you start dating again. 

 

Or that you come back.

 

Marisa says that won't happen. I know I should believe her, but aren't you the one who told me to remember that she's not always as right as she sounds?

 

I don't know. I just miss you, Papabear.

 

I love you.

 

~Mamabear

So Many Thoughts

What if you ended it because of someone else.

I think that I would die if that was true.

 

I'm scared I won't be able to forgive you for leaving me.

I don't know.

I'm scared.

I am scared.

I am scared because you're gone.

Because you're not here.

Scared without you.

 

That is unhealthy, isn't it?

 

 

I love you.

 

~Molly

Vicious Cycles

I have this vicious cycle of missing you terribly during the day but then late at night I'm like, no I'm fine it's okay.

 

And then I dream about you and it starts all over again.

 

I wrote you a song.

 

I stretch
And I strain
I let silence wash you out of my veins
The taste of you still faint on my tongue
As I struggle to let go
I struggle for a release

When can I breathe again

It wasn't fair
But it's over now
I'll get over you some how
I'll bleed until there's nothing left
Until my weave is freed from your weft
This was the tapestry of our love

I retch
And I groan
The memories of you have left me alone
A whisper of you brushes through my hair
As I try to forget
I try to forgive

So that you can breathe again

I know it was there
But it's gone now
You've let go of me without telling me how
You won't bleed because you've got nothing left
Your weave is already freed from my weft
This was the tapestry of our love

It's come unraveled now dear
That's why you're not here
I'll be sad for today
But tomorrow I know I will be okay

I'll find peace
Without you around
I'll learn to live without you some how
I won't bleed because I've still got strength left
I'll pick up my weave and I'll pick up your weft
And say goodbye to the tapestry of our love

We've taken down the tapestry of our love

 

I miss you.

 

~Molly

Hot And Definitely Bothered

I think maybe the hardest part for me is mostly the physical.

 

Or at least a good deal of it is.

 

How terrible is that?

What if it was all lust? All along?

Well maybe not all along.

It didn't start that way.

But maybe that's why it lasted as long as it did.

 

Pure attraction.

Lust.

Physical attraction.

My body wants you.

 

Missing your kisses and your touch.

That's hard.

 

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO SEXY? SLKFJSLDKFJSLDKFJSDLF

 

I miss you.

~Molly

 

 

Shit Days

You know what I know I miss maybe most?

You were the person I talked to when I was sad, or upset.

You were the one I trusted.

Sure I tell my mom a lot.

But sometimes...

Like the other day.

Mom was at work.

Everyone was busy and I just had a shit day.

A really fucking shit day. I wish I could've talked to you.

I'm tired of life, Chris. Tired of everything. Every day the same.

I want to run away. Not forever.

Just. To get away. Be someone else for a while.

I don't know.

I need you.

I need to talk.

I can't do this without you.

I can't do life without you.

I'm pathetic.

I'm not strong.

Help.

 

~me

Let Me Tell You A Story

This is what I feel like happened.

 

Once upon a time, there was a boy. The boy had many friends that were in love. He saw how happy it made them, and decided he wanted it too. So he persued it.

 

One day, he started talking to a girl he'd known for a while, but didn't know very well.

She was sad. She had been betrayed by someone she loved. He felt sorry for her and listened to her problems and made her feel better.

The boy and the girl started to like each other.

Then they saw each other at a party, and both left feeling pretty good.

 

A few weeks later, the girl confessed her feelings, and the boy felt the same way.

 

So they started to date. They didn't see each other much, but they talked often and made each other laugh and smile.

 

Then they fell in love.

They were very happy, and things were like a fairytale at first.

 

But the girl had been in love before, and knew it took effort from both sides to keep it. The boy, however, didn't.

 

And as things progressed and the girl started to feel like the boy wasn't doing his part to keep the relationship healthy. She tried and tried and tried, but things kept sliding downhill.

 

But no matter what she did, the boy didn't seem to understand.

She needed him though, so even though her patience was thin, she stayed. And stayed.

And asked and asked the boy to try.

But it was too much for him. And suddenly he felt he didn't really love her so much anymore. Love wasn't what he thought it was.

 

So he left.

And the girl was sad again.

 

The End.

 

~Molly

The 28th Day And Holy Fucking Shitballs I Miss You

Don't tell Catfacts I used her swearphrase in the title. She told me three years ago not to steal it.

 

I woke up with a deep, terrible ache for you. I think I dreamed about you but I'm not sure.

I was wondering why the sudden decline and then I realized;

It was the 28th day.

I remember when Alex broke up with me, something similar happened on the 28th day.

Why the 28th day, you ask?

 

My mama says it takes 28 days to make or break a habbit. It's my mind's final stand against letting go.

 

Oh I'm sure it will still be difficult. But I guess that was the hump of it.

I really should stop torturing myself by looking at your FB timeline but I just can't.

But then the things you say bring the ache and I feel ashamed for being so weak.

I'm not strong, Christopher.

You could've told me until you were blue in the face.

But that doesn't make it true.

 

Whatever strength I had, I drew from you.

I'm not saying that as a desperate attempt or anything.

I mean that. I don't have any internal source of strength or whatever.

I get it from others. Whoever's closest to me.

And as long as I do that,

I will push people away.

 

I hate it.

 

I want to be strong on my own. I don't know if I've ever felt that way before, or said that out loud or anything.

But thinking about it now, and what my dependencies have cost me, especially you, among other things, I want it desperately. Maybe if I'm strong, you can love me again.

Maybe if I'm not so needy, you'll come back.

I doubt it, and that's not my sole reason, but it would be nice.

 

All I can really say for sure is that I miss you.

And I love you.

And I miss you as a person. As my best friend in the entire world.

And that I will never forget all of the times you made me smile, And laugh. And how happy you made me. Even if things weren't perfect.

And I know that, even if it didn't last, I did make you happy at least for a little while.

You are my best friend, and I need you.

I don't know what to do.

 

I need you, Papabear.

 

~Mamabear

Idiot

I failed my road test.

Before I even got out of the parking lot.

I accidentally put the car in reverse instead of drive and backed into a car from another driving school that was behind me.

 

I'm such an idiot.

I cried. And all I wanted was you.

Other people can tell me I'm not an idiot. That I was nervous. That worse has happened.

But I wish I had heard it from you. I can't tell you why. I can't explain it. I just feel like it would've meant more to me coming from you.

 

That sounds so terrible.

I should'nt rely on anyone for my own sense of self-worth. To feel smart, or pretty, or wanted, or strong, or taken care of, or comforted.

But I do. I can't help it. I put all of that in you and you couldn't handle it and I feel terrible. If it's a burden I can't carry, how can I expect you to when it's not even yours?

 

Sometimes, I just hate myself. I really really hate myself.

I hurt everyone around me.

 

I almost wish I could run away. Go somewhere where no one knows me.

Start over. Be a new person. Have a clean slate.

 

I think I may end up living in Ireland someday.

I think maybe I belong there.

 

I love you, Christopher.

I need you.

 

~Molly