Idiot
I failed my road test.
Before I even got out of the parking lot.
I accidentally put the car in reverse instead of drive and backed into a car from another driving school that was behind me.
I'm such an idiot.
I cried. And all I wanted was you.
Other people can tell me I'm not an idiot. That I was nervous. That worse has happened.
But I wish I had heard it from you. I can't tell you why. I can't explain it. I just feel like it would've meant more to me coming from you.
That sounds so terrible.
I should'nt rely on anyone for my own sense of self-worth. To feel smart, or pretty, or wanted, or strong, or taken care of, or comforted.
But I do. I can't help it. I put all of that in you and you couldn't handle it and I feel terrible. If it's a burden I can't carry, how can I expect you to when it's not even yours?
Sometimes, I just hate myself. I really really hate myself.
I hurt everyone around me.
I almost wish I could run away. Go somewhere where no one knows me.
Start over. Be a new person. Have a clean slate.
I think I may end up living in Ireland someday.
I think maybe I belong there.
I love you, Christopher.
I need you.
~Molly