Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Idiot

I failed my road test.

Before I even got out of the parking lot.

I accidentally put the car in reverse instead of drive and backed into a car from another driving school that was behind me.

 

I'm such an idiot.

I cried. And all I wanted was you.

Other people can tell me I'm not an idiot. That I was nervous. That worse has happened.

But I wish I had heard it from you. I can't tell you why. I can't explain it. I just feel like it would've meant more to me coming from you.

 

That sounds so terrible.

I should'nt rely on anyone for my own sense of self-worth. To feel smart, or pretty, or wanted, or strong, or taken care of, or comforted.

But I do. I can't help it. I put all of that in you and you couldn't handle it and I feel terrible. If it's a burden I can't carry, how can I expect you to when it's not even yours?

 

Sometimes, I just hate myself. I really really hate myself.

I hurt everyone around me.

 

I almost wish I could run away. Go somewhere where no one knows me.

Start over. Be a new person. Have a clean slate.

 

I think I may end up living in Ireland someday.

I think maybe I belong there.

 

I love you, Christopher.

I need you.

 

~Molly