Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

The 28th Day And Holy Fucking Shitballs I Miss You

Don't tell Catfacts I used her swearphrase in the title. She told me three years ago not to steal it.

 

I woke up with a deep, terrible ache for you. I think I dreamed about you but I'm not sure.

I was wondering why the sudden decline and then I realized;

It was the 28th day.

I remember when Alex broke up with me, something similar happened on the 28th day.

Why the 28th day, you ask?

 

My mama says it takes 28 days to make or break a habbit. It's my mind's final stand against letting go.

 

Oh I'm sure it will still be difficult. But I guess that was the hump of it.

I really should stop torturing myself by looking at your FB timeline but I just can't.

But then the things you say bring the ache and I feel ashamed for being so weak.

I'm not strong, Christopher.

You could've told me until you were blue in the face.

But that doesn't make it true.

 

Whatever strength I had, I drew from you.

I'm not saying that as a desperate attempt or anything.

I mean that. I don't have any internal source of strength or whatever.

I get it from others. Whoever's closest to me.

And as long as I do that,

I will push people away.

 

I hate it.

 

I want to be strong on my own. I don't know if I've ever felt that way before, or said that out loud or anything.

But thinking about it now, and what my dependencies have cost me, especially you, among other things, I want it desperately. Maybe if I'm strong, you can love me again.

Maybe if I'm not so needy, you'll come back.

I doubt it, and that's not my sole reason, but it would be nice.

 

All I can really say for sure is that I miss you.

And I love you.

And I miss you as a person. As my best friend in the entire world.

And that I will never forget all of the times you made me smile, And laugh. And how happy you made me. Even if things weren't perfect.

And I know that, even if it didn't last, I did make you happy at least for a little while.

You are my best friend, and I need you.

I don't know what to do.

 

I need you, Papabear.

 

~Mamabear